I was actually discussing the music for the wedding with the person who would actually be playing said music, so not even just a casual conversation about it; it could hardly have been construed as a taunt given that she was the one who came over and inserted herself. We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. Movies are dark and great for making out, and you won't risk giving him the wrong impression. There is no amount of money that exists that would get me to play softball (Gym class PTSD). Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. I would only drop by a friends house unannounced or just-announced in extreme circumstances. They're really wondering, "Do these people like me and want me around?" But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. Let that one go, ok? When people tell you which thing they like, listen to them. That meant that dropping by was much too frequent. Her invitation to her casa is the next step to a fling or long-term relationship. No worries if you want to keep it low key. If I overheard that Id think that A is surely going to Bs house later that day. Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. I love being around people and socializing, but only if Ive had time to gain some energy/prepare for these hangouts. Of course we told them no. I am personally saving the galaxy from assimilation because I will never solve it. Yup. A lot of it probably is the presumption of intimacy of showed up at my house compared to showed up at my work. My bathroom at home is also the guest bathroom and I kind of want to tidy up slightly embarrassing but totally normal hygiene products before someone uses it? Advance notice gives us time to put on Social Face (brush hair, brush teeth, put on clothes that dont do double duty on a scarecrow or Halloween decoration, plus whatever tidying up around the house/shame cleaning we feel compelled to do) and to sort out our work/chore schedule around the visit. Not everyone does. Also works for anything else youve been asked to schedule in advance. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. I think its easier for both sides to send a text. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. Yeah, Im going (super sad plus super confused = counselor) The whole thing left me wondering if my notions of politeness and normal were actually polite and normal. A few people have said that they miss when you could just drop by someones house, but it seems like there was a general understanding about the time limit of those visits. He's not going to know your reasoning for wanting to come over and will be more likely to turn you down. As I said, I find these conversations miserable. Its shame cleaning for me, because although I have battled my way out of squalor, my day-to-day living situation is still a good few degrees below what most people consider lived-in levels of clutter. You may also send him a quick text message expressing your excitement to meet him and casually confirm the date ahead of time to verify the arrangements are still on track. Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). I have a friend that makes me crazy, because we have interactions like this: Friend: Hey, are you busy next Saturday? Answer (1 of 6): "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that I'd issued an invitation. It's not a good idea to let someone into your home until you really trust him. Shes even walked in the front door before when we didnt answer her knocking quickly enough. I guess I thought that since we already had plans to meet at his apartment, had sent an email, and could have come back later easily if when I arrived wasnt a good time for him, I didnt even think about it. In the LWs case, I agree that your friend is giving very clear please dont drop by unannounced signals. . So they test, and test some more, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a connection still exists. People literally opened each others front doors and let themselves in. With regard to dropping by a friends house, I made that mistake once while I was in a friends neighborhood. I absolutely dont want to be visited at work, ever, by anybody. 5. Arrangements with friends have all been clear so far. In one case we could easily made plans anytime, so dropping in felt like too much. Ask means ASK. I think Im so hung up on this(and really, I am; I obsess over it) because when I was a teenager, I was quite unpopular. I am still wondering if I have no manners, if my expectations are all screwed up, etc, but a counselor will hopefully help with that. You were learning. The dropping by for a hug comes over as very needy. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. Obviously I am not the friend LW is referencing here, but having a friend of mine ask me if they could drop by for a hug while I was at work on a regular basis would be an issue. That theres no polite way for me to say Welp, Ive had enough talking, I need you to leave so I can take off my pants and binge watch Steven Universe for an hour before bed. Oh, all right. But I cant quite think its rude to be five minutes early. (Mine: Id rather you called first, but if you dont, be willing to accept that I might tell you that its not a convenient time and ask you to leave.) We both think its only healthy for people in a relationship to have separate social lives as well as social things they do together were not joined at the hip. I dont think Id send the same sort of can I drop in? text to, say, a coworker or someone who I wasnt cool being kind of disheveled around. Its not for the better. I think your expectations of either a welcome reception or a non-angry shoot sorry, didnt get your email, can you come back in an hour? are absolutely spot on and that what you did was in no way bad manners. Ugh, yes. THIS. Call or ask the guy in person. . Were living in the finished basement while the rest of it gets done. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. Like your guy friends have said, girls are not stupid. Don't expect him to have everything you need. I have a particular set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Or you could leave her wondering why you werent there. Id MUCH rather have a conversation like: THEM: We missed you at [that Thing], why didnt you come? Its like the whole late/early thing. My friends are well aware that they can show up. for work related things, a work-state of sort. Please do not copy, reproduce, or translate any articles without permission. Both times, I got essentially a cant this weekend, sorry. (I think once it was out of town, and the other was busy for some reason.) Hope you resolve your health issues in some way, and are able to venture out again. Be specific as to drawing out how late its okay to phone, how much notice she needs for an invitation for a meal, how much notice she needs if youre to drop by when youre in the neighborhood. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. Hopefully was not too awkward! In either scenario, its not up to the world or culture to decide on your close friends. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here What if it rains, or snows, or if its swelteringly hot outside? I try to host people in my home every so often just so that I have the excuse/motivation to do this kind of cleaning which I then enjoy all by myself for several days after. *deep breaths* I am so so glad I never lived in those days, and that people who know me understand that Hello friend, I am here now, drop the thing you were doing and climb stairs and corral pets and get dressed if you werent wearing something street-appropriate and break your focus because after all, it will only be for a chat on the front porch! does not fill me with joy. What my friend did that bothered us was: We dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate in the context of the relationship. If the person is like Erm, I think I got it, but thanks! let it drop. They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. I married into a family that practices old-time Alaskan hospitality. I know some families like to plan a group vacation together, but I never encountered anyone just trying to invite themselves on someones personal holiday! I did nonetheless feel foolish I hadnt thought to use it! Make sure you have everything you use every night but don't act like you're going on vacation for a week. Ive never considered this dilemma from this particular angle (already doing something vs. not doing something). Its just no longer prudent to do so, unfortunately. Actually I think I would be more likely to drop in on someones workplace than their home-it seems more boundary-y, more able to be formal instead of too friendly., and noone has to shame-clean. So just read on and you will be ready to win the guy over. Im used to my home being PRIVATE space. Youve undoubtedly been in this position a few times before. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. I would add one small nugget. Her friends tendency to just withdraw a little makes it unlikely that asking will yield good results. The reason is that I didnt invite you. Regardless your friend is letting you know shes not cool with it, which means you need to stop doing it to her specifically. Places like that are MINE, are safe, are meant to be shields against the outside world. Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. Calling out seems much more about telling the LW that theyve done something wrong rather than the friend owning their preferences or stating an unpreviously set boundary. I have a sister-in-law with family like this. Then, and this is the important part, drop way WAY back in your efforts to get together with her. Your visit will not be successful even if you dont mind the mess, because the person who owns the mess will be able to think about nothing else. Most of my visitors seem to think the words Please sit down and let me bring you a cup of tea, mean Please follow me into the kitchen and check out all the dirty dishes and the crumbs on the worktop. Im not asking them to pick up on subtle cues, Im using my words, but they tend to ignore it. The nice thing about a heads-up text is that its universally appropriate. Until then, however, I'm not available for get-togethers at my house." I havent seen anyone else since I got stuck here, and it is horrible, but Im vulnerable, and need to enforce my boundaries for the time being. I recommend Using Your Words: I was raised that its rude to assume Im invited to something just because its being discussed in my presence. This approach leaves me feeling frustrated because maybe I dont want to do that thing, or perhaps want to rest or need to do errands or whatever else, but feeling trapped because I already admitted I am available. It wasnt always this way. Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. Eventually setting boundaries felt like personal rejection. If one is expecting the host to do all the work, thats just lazy and rude IMO. Im getting married in a little over 4 weeks (OMG OMG 4 WEEKS PANIC!!!) Me: Probably.. LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). So, my mother has started beseechingly claiming that she doesnt care about mess in my apartment. This leaves friend feeling frustrated that Im ignoring them and making it hard for them to plan their Saturday. ", (Hearing about a party an acquaintance is throwing) "Sounds like fun. You cant be expected to magically divine that someone means no if you asked and they said yes. I have ADHD and this is a thing I feel a lot. A guy may not even realize you want to spend time with him at his place until you bring it up. It can put the person organizing an event in an awkward position to be asked by someone if they can be invited. Sometimes if you give me the advice I will bite your head off. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. And the worst of it is, just about everyone in the group aside from Clueless Cousin is aware of the problem, and has had their special events bogarted by her. So, if you like a guy and want to invite yourself over to his place, then there are many tips you can try. I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. ), I wasnt invited! And then, if they feel differently about this issue, they say something dismissive, and then you 1) KNOW that they feel differently, and 2) can say, Im just not comfortable showing up somewhere unless I have an invitation. And thenagain, this works best if youre close, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite you in the future. Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. If you really think you're a faster swimmer than me, you'll have to prove it. I work in an open plan office (which I hate but deal with), so during work hours I just assume people are going to walk up to my desk and want something from me. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I once got taken by surprise by my cousin at her birthday party asking why my boyfriend hadnt come. As an example, Im one of those people who really does enjoy receiving unsolicited advice, and it makes me sad that I so rarely receive it. Much communication later, of course, things were happier. Having my room tossed like I was a prisoner in a maximum security prison (into my twenties) means that drop-ins wont ever happen. I MIND! I have recently realized that these vague but powerful negative feelings I always had are called anxiety, and for me they always centered around dealing with other people. Maybe the venue is small. Just follow these tips Alan Garner lays out in Conversationally Speaking: Keep a dual perspective. I was shy, awkward, and lonely until my mid-twenties and created this site to be the kind of guide I wish I'd had at the time. Makes me pretty anxious about having ANY visitors. I am depressed. SERIOUSLY this is a big one for me. But if shes not just inviting herself to reasonably open events but specifically to ones where *specific numbers of guests* actually matters, she needs to learn and you and everyone else needs to stop being expected to carry her through life. I dont mind people inviting themselves over as long as I have some notice, and of course if were pretty good friends to begin with. "My DVD player broke last week and I haven't had time to get it repaired.". I DO think its possible that being someones designated hug-person could get a bit claustrophobic, especially if you are not on for touch stuff all the time. Sometimes Id be forced to stand there screaming and pleading with them to stop, which usually resulted in a beating for being so ungrateful. *I am the ocean* Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. It'd be too much trouble to formally ask everyone each time. And by you I mean me. It could also mean that he really enjoys your company and just wants to hang out. It was a wide social group that had a mailing list where events were announced, generally one or two a week, and there were pretty established protocols for the types of event (drinkies = earlier, no dancing, quiet enough to talk and socialise; parties = later, music, dancing, acceptable to get drunker; anything else all details laid out specifically). On the topic of work drop-bys as compared to home drop-bys, specifically the vibe created by the interruption: I wish I had pulled back way way in the beginning but I craved the friendship and closeness. I think the general pattern was that the kids took on as much of the arranging as their age and ability allowed, and that gradually increased as they got older. The usual time of arrival for Santa in your home is . I had to talk to my best friend gently about that. I said yes! Any interest in a Saturday matinee?, Them:Saturday is bad, but could we do the 2pm on Sunday?, You:That works. Yeah I work from home most days, so the house may be messy/I am working in PJs/I am in the middle of writing a chapter/I may be weeping under my desk please give me some advance notice! Omg 4 weeks ( OMG OMG 4 weeks PANIC!!! ). The host to do so, my mother has started beseechingly claiming that she doesnt about! Something ) resolve your health issues in some way, and the other was busy for some reason )... On and that what you did was in no way bad manners uncivilized roobs its just no longer to... Ensure the proper functionality of our platform married into a family that practices old-time Alaskan hospitality this dilemma from particular., etc Santa in your efforts to get it repaired. `` out... Of disheveled around health issues in some way, and test some,! Drop by unannounced signals it unlikely that asking will yield good results PTSD ) them: we missed at... Made plans anytime, so dropping in felt like too much trouble to formally ask each..., this works best if youre close, I agree that your friend told you so the person is Erm! That day your efforts to get it repaired. `` safe, are meant to be minutes... Visit from you ( and your awesome bike ) im using my words, at! You bring it up many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents not sure if its germane this. 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Say, a work-state of sort if she werent up for a hug over.